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Journey into the world of hyperemesis gravidarum...
13Mar 14

A letter to my pregnant self

Thank you so much to all those who nominated me for the MAD Blog awards. Sadly it seems that because I have not been pregnant in the last year I am not eligible for the category of Best Pregnancy Blog despite being a blog entirely about pregnancy from personal experience. Shame, as it rather discriminates against women with HG who are unable to post to the same degree as other pregnant bloggers during pregnancy – picking my battles and moving on though... It has however given me a moment to reflect on my own experience and how much hindsight I have been able to gain since my third and final child was born, nearly two years ago. It has prompted this letter to myself of the past, to myself while I was suffering and stuck in the miserable cycle of vomiting, retching and constant nausea, to me at a time when I could not see a future with lovely children and new friends... This is to me and to all those who are suffering now, written with the benefit of hindsight.


To my pregnant self,


The three children you have produced are your greatest achievement. They make you proud every day. They also make you cross and happy, frustrated and challenged, worried and confused and they make you laugh, a lot. They are intelligent, funny, beautiful, kind, helpful(ish), sociable, loud and sometime a bit weird (and yes, they like talking about poo and wee a lot!)


I know the vomiting is intense and painful and humiliating and scary, but if you could see them now you would know how worth every moment of pain has been. You are worried you won't bond with the baby but you don't need to worry, the nausea lifts the moment they are out and you will feel great. You love being a parent and the new born phase is easy and fun compared to now.


And it's not just the children that have come from the suffering you are going through. You have new friends and colleagues, not just around the UK but in Washington, New York, New Zealand and all around the world. Although the truth is you will also loose some friends as you realise they will not come through for you when you need them. It may seem impossible now but you will learn to let go of the resentment you are feeling and move on from them... to better friends. Hyperemesis is changing you, giving you perspective and insight. Some people, no matter how close you thought you were will never be able to understand what you are going through.


Your marriage is stronger because you survived hyperemesis three times together as a team. And because you go on to have more pregnancies Rob is a confident father with a close relationship with the boys... he looks after them on his own when you are sick again with their sibling. He is proud of you.


You are a much stronger, more confident and happier person then you were before and that is largely down to the suffering you are going through now. You appreciate feeling well every single day and when you are ill it never seems as bad as you know it will only last a short time. The illness you are suffering made you realise that as long as you have your health you can do anything you set you mind to... including making the world a better place for other hyperemesis sufferers.


During pregnancy you are suffering immeasurably and it is impossible to imagine that anything good can come from it other than the baby, but it does... it really does.


Don't feel guilty about the dark thoughts on black days... they are natural and understandable. Take one day at a time, occupy yourself online, play solitaire and lie still... the end will come and the black cloud will lift... wellness will overwhelm you and you will feel better than you ever have before.


And you will have your children, Alfie, Patrick and Órla. And you will travel the world with them, and your hero, and you will be strong and happy... thanks to hyperemesis gravidarum.


With love and care


Spewing Mummy


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I really needed to read this! Thanks so much for sharing!! :)
Sonia Luzia, 13th March 2014

Spewing Mummy replies...

Glad you enjoyed it and it helped :) x

This is a beautiful letter. It inspires me to try again. To not be afraid of another hg pregnancy. Thank you for sharing.
ellie, 14th March 2014

Spewing Mummy replies...

Be sure to prepare yourself for it Ellie, preparation is absolutely key! I'll try to get some posts up soon about preparation and so on although if you look back to the very start of me blog you'll find the posts where I start preparing for my third pregnancy. That's how this blog started. Get in touch with PSS too and join their forum! x

In tears. This is so beautiful, and resonates so much right now. Thank you.
, 19th March 2014

Thank you! I found out I was pregnant with my third child a week ago, I thought I was sick in the first till I developed HG in the second and I tested this time round because I threw up two mornings in a row. I am terrified just now despite my doctor being amazing and medicating me immediatly but reading this letter and other bits on your blog site remind me that I am not the only person feeling like this right now and gives me hope for the next 35 weeks!
Wendy, 22nd March 2014

Spewing Mummy replies...

Hi Wendy, please get in touch with Pregnancy Sickness Support and request a volunteer to support you through the next few months... it really does make a huge difference! I have also produced a calendar to tick the days off which you might find useful! I know I found it helped the time pass quicker and I hope it will make women feel a little less alone. Good luck and remember we are here for you. x

Ive just got discharged from hospital the other day and was diagnosed with hg. But since i left the hospital i feel like the sickness tablets arnt working. I cant cope x
sam, 26th March 2014

Spewing Mummy replies...

Hi Sam,

I'm so sorry to hear you're suffering so badly. Please do get in touch with Pregnancy Sickness Support for information about treatments and for one to one support to help get you through this. 

The charity has loads of volunteers to help you and know what you are going through.

There are a number of treatment options so if what you are on now isn't working then there will be other options to try.

Caitlin x

Iv been searching, searching for someone like you to make me feel sane, to help ease my pain, to give me hope. I'm 6 weeks after the loss of my first HG pregnancy. I exist but the loss and fear of trying again overwhelm me. The fear of trying for another baby is crippling me. Im so scared. But I just read your letter to your pregnant self. Thank you so so much. You have given me some hope. Some courage. Some support. I'm terrified to try again but encouraged by you and all other survivors of HG pregnancies. I hope that I can survive it and be well enough to help anyone i come across who gets HG. I hope to write in the future that I'm a survivor. I hope, I hope, I hope. Xxx Anahareo. (Ireland).
Anahareo, 11th May 2015

Spewing Mummy replies...

Hi Anahareo, I'm sorry to hear you lost your baby :( Please know that we are here for you when you feel ready to try again. Pregnancy Sickness Support operates in Ireland also so get in touch with us via the website. X

Fund Hyperemesis Research

The Book

Hyperemesis Gravidarum - The Definitive Guide by Caitlin Dean

The Kids Book

Hoe to be an HG Hero by Caitlin Dean

About Me

I am mother of three beautiful children and wife to a fantastic and supportive husband. I am a nurse, a farmer and a trustee for Pregnancy Sickness Support. I love working hard and spending time with my kids.

About this blog

Information and support for pregnancy sickness and hyperemesis gravidarum. Views are my own and do not represent those of any other organisation. Information provided here should not be a substitute for medical advice. My aim is to raise awareness and encourage sufferers to know they are not alone.

Previous award nominations

MAD Blog Awards UK 2015