Feeling well is bittersweet
Well so far I'm feeling well... very well! After some nausea and general yuckiness between week 4 and 5 and some adjusting to the pre-emptive meds I have for the last few days been feeling particularly well. You'll be thinking 'Yay! Thank goodness for that'. Sadly for Rob and myself the profound impact Hyperemesis Gravidarum has had on us in the past does not allow us such optimism. Hyperemesis is not morning sickness and each pregnancy is not different, if you've had hyperemesis once then there is a massive chance you'll have it again and potentially worse.
Our initial thoughts are that the baby has died and it's a missed miscarriage; to that end my midwife has arranged us a scan tomorrow to check as obviously the results either way for us are important. I don't want to continue meds if I'm not pregnant and would like to book in work for this month. Rob too could be working on Thursdays which we currently don't have childcare for and we could arrange a weekend away for a treat.
On the other hand I can't help fantasising about a normal pregnancy and how brilliant it would be not to get sick... these thoughts are not positive or helpful! “but think positively and maybe it'll help” I hear you saying. Let me explain... apart from the fact that hyperemesis gravidarum is NOT psychological and therefore positive thinking won't make the blindest bit of difference, the devastation of hyperemesis is profound; I always imagined pregnancy to be the most beautiful and natural thing in the world, I couldn't wait to be pregnant and experience a child growing inside me. Hyperemesis is so traumatic and horrific and pregnancy as a result has been the most awful, painful and depressing time of my life. One of the hardest aspects of hyperemesis is the shear disappointment of not having a 'normal' pregnancy. The feelings of hatred towards your unborn child and the resentment towards your husband, friends and family are hard enough to battle with not to mention the anger and hatred you feel towards yourself for not being able to carry a child normally. It is a serious emotional battle to get through 9 months of HG with very little support and understanding from people around you who ultimately don't get it no matter how hard they try; the disappointment is devastating and the only thing I can avoid this time by not allowing myself to fantasise about not being ill.
The chance of me not getting sick is slim but there is a chance... I just mustn't focus on it. I know people mean to be kind by trying to give me hope of a normal pregnancy but it will be SO SO SO much harder when it does strike if I have built up my hopes.
Right now my thoughts are swinging every moment between the baby being dead and fantasies of a normal pregnancy; I am however enjoying every moment I can without sickness. We had a lovely weekend with the boys and are getting lots of work done on the farm. I'm eating well and enjoying every mouthful and for the first time ever have put weight on during early pregnancy!